And Jacob was left alone, and a Man wrestled with him until daybreak. And when [the Man] saw that He did not prevail against [Jacob], He touched the hollow of his thigh; and Jacob's thigh was put out of joint as he wrestled with Him. Then He said, Let Me go, for day is breaking. But [Jacob] said, I will not let You go unless You declare a blessing upon me. [The Man] asked him, What is your name? And [in shock of realization, whispering] he said, Jacob [supplanter, schemer, trickster, swindler]! And He said, Your name shall be called no more Jacob [supplanter], but Israel [contender with God]; for you have contended and have power with God and with men and have prevailed. [Hos. 12:3-4.] Genesis 32:24-28
Strive to enter by the narrow door [force yourselves through it], for many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able. Luke 13:24 AMP
I keep seeing passages like these . . . passages where I feel God saying to me, "Stand up and BE POWERFUL already!" And I scratch my head and say, "Sure thing! What do I do, God?" and He keeps saying "BE POWERFUL in ME!" and I scratch my head again and say, "Okay, God, what do I do?" and we continue on and on in circles.
God has told me to do two things: spend time with Him in His word this way, feasting on His word and reveling in it. I love it--and I will make time for it. The other is to throw myself into my motherhood, and to let Him teach me how to do it, how to be a Godly mother who is close to her children, who takes good care of them, and has a truly lovely and inviting home--not because it's fancy or expensive, but because it's clean and made beautiful with my hands. (He has already wrought a couple fundamental changes in my mothering, and I can't wait to see what happens next.) I've been haltingly attempting both . . . with limited and intermittent success. But that time is past. I'm done with "sort of" obeying. I can do these things--not just because they're totally reasonable and doable, but because God told me to. The provision has already been made. He has a vision for me, for my best life, for my highest happiness and blessing here and now. He is beckoning me to it. And I'm going to walk that way, wherever it takes me. He's there, walking with me, showing me where to go. I just have to hang onto His hand, train my body, mind & spirit to follow Him, and see what happens next.
I have to admit that the whole "Be Powerful" thing comes with a slew of sea anchors. I have a long history of getting myself into hot water with various and sundry for opening my mouth, for being too bold or too knowledgeable, for wanting to help too much, for thinking things through and coming up with solutions too quickly, for having too much input. For singing too loudly, for loving God and pursuing Him too much. For being different. For approaching things differently. I also have a long history of ignoring all of those negatives (with varying degrees of success), and pressing on in study, in music, in thought and in study. I love those things. I love Jesus. And pushing any of them back into a dark corner, neglected, feels like I die a little inside.
Father, like I said on facebook two days ago, I'm ready for change. I'm willing to change. I'm willing to be uncomfortable--even though Your changes can be REALLY uncomfortable. (Hello, yesterday! Ummm, yeah. I'd love to know what that was all about, what you want me to think or do. Thanks bunches.) Thank You so, so much for the love that comes to surround and heal, to lift and bless. And keep sending it, Father. Please. I have a feeling You're not done with me, yet. ;o) I love you, Abba. I will strive to enter by the narrow door--though there are crowds pressing in to look at it, talk about it, take Instagram pictures, and otherwise obstruct it, while not going in themselves. Give me love for every person, every child of Yours. I just want to know You, to love, and be loved. To touch lives in such a way that I leave a Jesus trail everywhere I go . . . I want that favor in the eyes of others so they can see YOU. Being approved is much more comfortable than not (I'm the first to admit!), but that's the cherry on top. I just want to be well received so people will listen to the witness I have of YOU. It's Your approval I crave--and that I want others to have. In Jesus' name, Amen.
